This week I’m riding an existential roller coaster. One day I feel great, the sun is shining, response to my stories and ideas is sizzling, compliments flow. I feel loved, at peace, my arteries unwind, my heart beats steady and I know why I’m here.
Another day I feel disconnected, bombarded by worries over shadows and trapped in my own mind, struggling to make forward progress. Wondering why I’m doing this. Feeling alone.
I knew I would feel this way sometimes when I began this journey. I was prepared for down days and fears, and I don’t let them dissuade me like I once did. This is progress. I used to live in fear.
But I tried living in fear and it does not work for me. It’s like creating a defensive sphere where days are only ever perfectly pleasant: a hazy blue sky, a light breeze, an occasional shower. No gusts of wind, no hailstorms, no lightning challenging anything; but also no brilliant sunsets, no rainbows, no breathtaking views.
I prefer life outside of the sphere. I have time to enjoy life and explore it. This is a blessing. Most days I’m thankful, ready for adventures and the good and bad they bring with them.
When gray days get me down, it’s hard. It’s hard to stay focused on doing good for others and making useful contributions to the world. It’s also hard to enjoy each moment, even though I know each one is valuable and each person I care about is priceless.
It’s a tough balance. It’s a practice, an exercise, waiting for the next sunrise.
But it’s worth it.